Lately (a lot), I’ve been watching Trolls with Whitt, my two-year-old, and it’s sparked a lot of thoughts about happiness and where it comes from.
I’ve even found myself asking myself about where and what my own happiness is rooted in. Is it something I’m constantly seeking in people, things, etc., or is it something that can’t help but spill out as it wells up inside of me because I’m present in the moment?
My conclusion is that there is a significant difference when we rely on ourselves and what is inside of us for happiness (intrinsic) and when we rely on external sources for happiness (extrinsic). The Trolls find happiness within themselves. They experience happiness when they dance, sing, scrapbook, etc.
Conversely, throughout the movie (and at the risk of a spoiler alert) the Bergens are constantly looking for Trolls because they believe that’s the only way they can be happy. They believe if they don’t eat a troll, there is no way they can ever be happy.
Sure, it seems silly, but how common is this in our own lives? We seek happiness like it is some buried treasure. We bounce around from one thing to the next looking for happiness, be it money, jobs, social status, likes on social media, etc. All of these things are great, in and of themselves, but when we rely on them as our source of happiness, we set ourselves up for failure.
Also, have we really thought about what happens if we get what we’ve been searching for? Are we done? Do we just stop?
Viktor Frankl says, “For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side effect of one’s personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one’s surrender to a person other than oneself. Happiness must happen, and the same holds for success: you have to let it happen by not caring about it.”
The more we seek happiness and focus on it, the more elusive it becomes. It’s a paradox. If we focus on the action versus the outcome, we are more likely to be happy. There is a difference between dancing as a form of expression and because you enjoy it, and dancing for the sole purpose of receiving accolades and attention.
Poppy and her troll crew weren’t singing and dancing because they had something to prove to those around them. They did it because it brought joy to their everyday lives and they couldn’t stop the feeling.
Similarly, other people should not be our happiness. We are all flawed humans. If we have our hearts set on someone else being the source of our happiness and they let us down, where does that leave us? That’s a heavy burden for another person to bear — and if they’re not even aware of that expectation? That is a recipe for disappointment.
There is a story John Maxwell tells about his wife and the battle between intrinsic vs. extrinsic happiness:
During the Q and A time, a woman stood up and asked Margaret, “Does John make you happy?” I have to say, I was really looking forward to hearing her answer. I’m an attentive husband, and I love Margaret dearly. What kind of praise would she lavish on me?
“Does John make me happy?” she considered. “No, he doesn’t.” I looked to see where the closest exit was. “The first two or three years we were married,” she continued, “I thought it was John’s job to make me happy. But he didn’t. He wasn’t mean to me or anything. He’s a good husband. But nobody can make another person happy. That was my job.”
We are meant to do life with people. I believe it is a critical piece of having happiness in our lives. At the same time, it is equally important for us to be aware of how we balance these relationships and recognize when and if we are putting too much pressure on the people in them for our happiness.
At the end of the movie (another spoiler!), Princess Poppy has a good reminder for all of us when she says, “Happiness isn’t something you put inside of you. It’s already there.”
So, what does that mean for us? For me, it means being present in the moment and focusing less on the highlight reels of social media. Comparison is the thief of joy and I don’t need more vacations or things to be happy.
For others, it might be focusing less on the job title and more on the work you get to do and the impact you’re making. It’s different for each person. One thing I know for certain is that the destination isn’t nearly as high stakes as the journey to get there.
